Tom Brady gets ripped during roast of Bill Belichick, Kevin Hart and former Patriots teammates

Posted by enzo2go May 8, 2024

They actually didn't take any hits.

In a live show on Netflix that lasted over three hours, a roast of Tom Brady spared no joke on the expense of the seven-time Super Bowl winner. Everything from his divorce from Gisele Bündchen, Spygate, Deflategate and Brady's relationship with Alex Guerrero were on the table.

“Before I came to the New England Patriots, we heard about Spygate. Then after I left we heard about Deflategate,” Randy Moss said. “So I just have one question for you, Tom: 'Why the hell didn't we cheat while I was there?!' I wanted to cheat too. My kids always ask me, “Dad, why does everyone have a ring but you?” They know how hard it is to look your kids in the eyes and say, “You just don’t trust me enough to cheat.” “

A variety of former teammates and comedians spent a few hours catching up with each other – but especially with Brady.

“A lot of people assume that I have a lot of animosity toward Tom Brady,” Drew Bledsoe joked. “So I’m here tonight in front of millions of people to tell you: You’re right.”

And then, near the end of the evening, Bill Belichick, the overly serious, rarely joked former Patriots head coach, was floored with a 10-minute sentence.

“People have said it — Tom and I used to argue a lot,” Belichick said, preparing his joke. “And in a way that was true. But it was hard to butt heads with Tom – because he had Alex Guerrero so far in the back of his mind.”

At first, Brady sat in good spirits, trying to laugh at the relentless (and often reckless) jokes — even if there were some awkward moments. Here are some of the highlights of the roast.

Jokes from Brady's former teammates (and Belichick)

Moss: “Even though we didn't win everything, I still got everything I wanted because I got to play with the greatest quarterback of all time. And for three years – it was a short time – we terrified the entire National Football League. Tom, you’re still my quarterback – even if you didn’t want me to be your accomplice.”

Bledsoe: “There were rumors that coach (Bill) Belichick would be here tonight. It turns out he still has some time. When I got fired, at least someone else wanted me.”

Belichick: “It’s an honor to be here roasting Tom Brady on Netflix. Not to be confused with roasting Bill Belichick in the 10-part Apple TV series.”

Julian Edelman: “Alex Guerrero is the snake oil salesman who turned Tom into a complete weirdo.”

Rob Gronkowski on what Brady and Belichick have in common: “You’re both tough guys who hate fun. They both live and breathe football. Neither of you is married anymore. They are both even separate from football – and both fully honor the dynasty.”

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Comedians' best one-liners

Comedian Jeff Ross: “Tom was drafted 199th overall in the NFL draft. He sat there for days waiting and waiting and was finally selected in the sixth round when Bill Belichick's dog accidentally stepped on the keyboard.”

Nikki Glaser: “You have seven rings – well, eight, now that Giselle has given hers back.”

Some awkward moments

It wasn't all laughter. It seemed like Brady learned pretty quickly that this wasn't going to be a light-hearted, good-natured upset. That started with Kevin Hart's opening monologue, which included a lot of jokes about Bündchen and her rumored new boyfriend, who has a background in jiu-jitsu.

But the most embarrassing moment may have been after Ross made a joke about Robert Kraft and massages. Afterward, Brady stood up from his seat and appeared to say to Ross, “Don't say that again.”

Belichick's roast

The best set of the night probably goes to Glaser, although Belichick's role was great and appealed to everyone from comedians (joking that Hart can't say no to an opportunity) to Danny Amendola's career highlights (that's “what Randy would consider a decent first appearance”) half”) to, of course, Brady (“Really, Tom, why are all these people so hard on you? Do you miss me?” Belichick joked.)

Once Belichick was back on the roster, he invited ire, including from Edelman, who noted that Belichick had said in team meetings for several years that Foxboro High School players could have done what the Patriots screwed up.

“(Now) Foxboro High is the only job offer you have,” Edelman said. “…Do your job? I want more of a job, Coach.”

Jokes by Robert Kraft

Since the rift between Kraft and Belichick was well-known, the Pats owner figured he'd cope with it quickly if he got the microphone while Belichick sat next to Edelman on the stage.

“As with many family gatherings, there are some people here that I really want to avoid — Coach Belichick, good to see you,” Kraft joked.

He then turned to Brady's impending purchase of a stake within the Las Vegas Raiders.

“Tom, good luck buying the Raiders,” he said. “They’ve already done your favorite job for you – they got rid of Jimmy Garoppolo.”

And in a twist that may have been hard to predict (and at Hart's urging), Kraft and Belichick went for it together, with Kraft praising Belichick as the best coach of all time.

How did Brady take to roasting?

Finally, at the tip of a protracted night of some brutal jokes, Brady cracked a number of jokes of his own, showing off a cocky version of himself worthy of a roast.

He said Gronkowski was an important tight end for the Patriots – “even though the bar for Patriots tight ends was pretty low back then.” He joked that the NFL could have saved the $20 million it spent on Deflategate, “and I would have just told you I fucking did.” And Brady added that he was attempting to buy a share of the Raiders because “I'm uninterested in only owning the Colts and the Bills. “

In the tip, Brady turned to Belichick, the coach with whom he had a tumultuous relationship.

“I've been out of the game for a minute, so I'm curious,” Brady said, “how many Super Bowls have you won since I left?”…When I am going to the Indy 500, I don't ask, 'Hey, who Has your automobile filled up?'”

Required reading



image credit : theathletic.com

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