During the primary yr of her marriage to second husband Brad Falchuk, Gwyneth Paltrow and her parents lived happily apart. The film actress and Goop entrepreneur described this decision as a strategy to preserve her individual autonomy and her romantic sense of “mystery.”
Some may dismiss Paltrow's separate lives as one other example of an extravagant Hollywood approach to intimate relationships coming from a way of life influencer who famously promotes “conscious separation.”
But Marin County journalist and creator Vicki Larson says couples living apart are more common than you would possibly think. An estimated 10 percent of adults worldwide live aside from their partners — and never necessarily because their jobs or personal circumstances prevent them from making a home together, Larson explains in her latest book, “LATitude: How You Can Make a Live Apart Together Relationship Work” (Simon & Schuster).
Many of those separated couples select to take care of separate households even once they are married or in a committed long-term relationship, a part of a trend that’s gaining increasing attention within the media, academia and most of the people, Larson notes.
This decision definitely raises questions: Who are these people and why don't they need to live together? Larson's book attempts to reply these questions, but at the identical time challenges the concept that living together is obligatory for all completely satisfied, successful relationships or that folks who select otherwise are afraid of commitment.
To explore this latest dynamic in personal and family relationships, Larson conducted extensive research and interviews. A former lifestyle editor of the Marin Independent Journal, Larson previously explored a brand new model for midlife independence for ladies in her 2022 book, You're Not Too Old For That.
As for couples in long-term relationships, she noted that such arrangements aren't right for everybody, but may be useful for some, especially women. As the saying goes, absence can strengthen affection and should result in more intimacy and higher sex for some couples, she writes.
Here, Larson explains the LAT approach for couples and what it takes to make it work if the partners are willing. Meet her in person on Wednesday at 6 p.m. for an creator appearance at Sausalitos Books by the Bay.
Q: When you’re thinking that of LAT couples, you would possibly imagine couples who live in several cities for work reasons. But that's not quite what you're talking about, is it? How are LAT couples generally defined?
A: What makes LAT couples different is that they decide to live apart since it suits their needs as individuals and as romantic partners. When sociologists Irene Levin and Jan Trost first coined the term “living apart” in 1999, they said that three things have to be met for LAT to be considered a committed couple: the couple agrees that they’re a committed couple, others see them as a committed couple, and they have to live in separate locations.
For the needs of my book, this definition seemed too restrictive, so I also include LAT couples who survive different levels or in several parts of the identical household, or who’ve different bedrooms in the identical household, in addition to people who find themselves polyamorous and can have multiple regular partner, including solo polyamorists—individuals who have multiple intimate relationships but no primary partner.
Q: Why do couples determine to live apart?
A: There are so many! Sometimes couples select LAT due to their personalities. Sometimes it's because of various levels of cleanliness or tidiness, or design aesthetics. Sometimes it's just practical – considered one of you is an evening owl, the opposite an early riser.
Some same-sex couples prefer LAT to maintain their romantic relationship private, especially in places where it just isn’t yet accepted or is taken into account illegal. Other people have minor children from a previous relationship and are not looking for to attempt to force a “Brady Bunch”-like situation.
Many divorcees or widowers gravitate toward this lifestyle because they need to avoid recreating something that appears and acts like marriage. They are predominantly women of their 60s and older who’ve a “been there it all” attitude in relation to relationships and are absolutely unwilling to offer up their sense of independence.
Finally, some long-term spouses decide to live apart because they’re going through a difficult period of their marriage and want space, but are not looking for to get divorced. Many of them say that living apart has actually brought them closer together.
Q: What are a few of the advantages?
A: According to quite a few studies, living apart can provide the identical commitment, love, intimacy, stability, equality, sex, and all the opposite things a lot of us desire in a romantic relationship, while also giving a pair that long-desired but elusive “own space.” Some of the advantages appear to prove that love grows through absence. Living aside from your romantic partner requires you to work harder in your relationship, including your communication skills and your intimate connection.
Finally, let's discuss sex. We've all heard or read in regards to the rise in sexless marriages recently. Since many more people live together than apart, living with a romantic partner doesn't mechanically mean they're having sex.
Q: The LAT lifestyle just isn’t necessarily something latest in human history. What are some historical examples?
A: Marriage historian Stephanie Coontz has written extensively about how sharing a house just isn’t something that many couples take as a right – everywhere in the world and in all eras. For example, the Ashanti men of Ghana and the Minangkabau men of Indonesia live with their moms and sisters even after they marry. For nearly 250 years, African Americans within the United States were on the mercy of their white slave owners and sometimes forced to live apart. But if anyone did essentially the most to encourage spouses to sleep apart, it was probably the Victorians and their prudish attitudes.
Q: You have found quite a few studies that show that girls often profit more from selecting a LAT program than men? In what way?
A: According to psychologist Terri Orbuch, more women than men say they simply don't have enough time and space for themselves. That's partly because women are likely to be more caring for youngsters or their aging parents, or each, even once they work outside the house. Another study found that girls of their 60s and older rated their health higher once they lived alone quite than with a husband.
LAT relationships are described by two Swedish researchers as a “gender revolution that lasts into old age” – a reference to the undeniable fact that baby boomer women have been on the forefront of restructuring family life in recent many years, especially after no-fault divorce became legal across the United States.
Q: What about couples with children?
A: Reuniting families is usually difficult. Even when it isn't, some people don't need to move their children away from their parents' home, neighborhood, school and friends, or they’ll't be closer to a brand new partner because they share custody.
Q: Can you talk in regards to the stigma of the LAT lifestyle?
A: When people deviate from society's ideas of what a romantic relationship “should look like,” it results in questions, stigma, and prejudice. Living together is usually seen as an indication of being a committed couple, although that's not all the time the case.
Q: What are a few of the practical or interpersonal challenges?
A: When you meet someone, start dating, and fall in love, you're already living in separate households, whether alone or with parents or roommates. There's no need to alter your living situation. While it's cheaper to share rent or a mortgage payment, if one person has to maneuver, there are additional costs beyond the purely financial ones.
However, LAT doesn't work well if each partners aren't fully committed, or if considered one of you is jealous, has trust issues, or has an anxious attachment style. Many couples who benefit from the LAT lifestyle say you’ve gotten to be “mature,” nonetheless you would like to define that.
Originally published:
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